Tomorrow is it. It is the day that I will walk through some metal detectors and shuffle through the line of other people; most likely all doing some variation of what I am doing.
It’s hard. Even though I am the one who did it, I am the one who planned my future and admitted I wasn’t happy. I was the one that started conversations, stopped ongoing circle conversations and then just stopped having them. It was me. I think if it wasn’t me, I could tell you exactly what would go on tonight in my house down to the conversation because it was all the same. Always the same, with no changes, no smiles, no laughter.
Two nights ago, while Lena was doing her Lena thing, and Nick doing his Nick thing, Kuna doing her thing, and me mine, we all just sand Disney songs on Pandora. Really loudly. We didn’t care about anything else but singing Mulan, Aladdin, Lion King. I told them the story how when I was younger I would dance around the kitchen, with the broom, singing the song from Sleeping Beauty.
Tomorrow, if things go as they will, I will lose half my last name.
I am going to do what needs to be done because everyone in this story, this life story that I lead, deserves better. We all deserve just happiness. We should not be held hostage by ourselves. We have to have conversations, circle conversations, and then we just need to do something to stop having those circle conversations.
I miss having Julie all the time. I miss her face, her smile, her everything. It breaks my heart when I go home and all my children are not there. I love hearing about Nick’s day, and watching Lena on her Chromebook, but tomorrow will legally put in writing I will get her 50% of the time. 50% my heart can be full.
I am so grateful for the people who have supported me on this road. It has not been easy, and each milestone has come with me usually curled up in a ball somewhere. I suspect tomorrow will be no different. I told my medicine man, the one who just keeps giving me more things that I don’t take, that I thought tomorrow would be very hard.
Thank you to Lena and Nick, thank you both so much. Lena for going out and getting me ice cream on move out day. Nick for telling ridiculous stories, and babysitting Julia on my nights so that I can come home to all of my children.
Kuna, thank you for being there for me and with me. Thank you for knowing when I just need to cry and for letting me do it at you. I love you so hard, Sister. Thank you for reminding me to eat and making sure I do, and playing Star Wars Pinballs with me.
Ryan, you know I love you. Even far away, you can calm me down quite easily when you aren’t getting me all puffy. I am so happy we reconnected again, and are ridiculous together. Thank you for everything; the advice, the help, the playing WoW even if I am worst player ever.
Heather and Kim, you two amazing women who do amazing things everyday. I feel so mundane, and you both are heros to me. Thank you for supporting me, sending me kind messages, and just loving me. I feel it.
Emily – Thank you for being my crazy DM, and what a crazy year it was. Thank you for reminding me that there is a time I can forget it all. Thank you for letting me cry at you as well.
I think I am done here for tonight. I just needed to get something out; this anxiety I feel. I’m scared friends. I am scared and nervous because I don’t know what’s coming and part of this is like a death for me. With one ending comes new adventures and stories. I know this and I just need to keep reminding myself along the way.