Monthly Archives: December 2013

The Song of My People

Hello, friends!  Yes, it is another early morning, drinking coffee post, because well, coffee.  I usually wake up pretty early regardless of sleep time, so let’s spend some good ole quality time together.

I cannot remember a time I wasn’t a fangirl.  If you are familiar with what a fangirl is, here is a decent description from urban dictionary:

Female of approximately 12-17 years old, (though this can vary) who are obsessed by some sort of celebrity/group/band. 
contrary to popular belief, fangirls are not always to be confused with stalkers. Can just be happy, excited (albeit somewhat pathetic) about the celebrity/group/band they are crushing on. 

When I was younger, I loved cartoons of all kinds, and fantasy based movies.  I guess I first started my fangirl status with David Bowie from The Labrynth and it grew from there.  Part of me remembers being in love with Alvin, yes that chipmunk Alvin, when I was younger.  I think it was his swag.  I remember having the stuffed animal and sleeping with it every night, and coming up with things in my imagination.  

As I grew, so did my fandoms.  I added more to it, took some out (I am no longer in love with a chipmunk), but the core remains the same.  You fall in love with a story, a character, a relationship, a video game, and buy into it wholeheartedly.  It kind of just consumes you, and it will enable you to do many things, like watch many episodes of the same show, on repeat, or listen to a song, try to draw it all, buy all the merchandise, seek to find others with the same love.  You just become emotionally attached to whatever the item is.

I remember the first time I played Final Fantasy 10.  I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn’t played that game and may pick it up when the HD release comes out, but to say I loved it would be an understatement.  I put over 120 hours into that game, just not wanting it to end, and when it did, the feels were uncontrollable.

I love Sailor Moon.  I could still have a marathon of Sailor Moon, and be just as excited as I was when I was 18.  My OTP never makes it canon, but you know somewhere in the recess of my soul, I hope for it.

I have replayed Dragon Age a ridiculous number of times.  I try to choose other romance options, but I just can’t.  Alistair is always my OTP (for the record, OTP = One true pairing).  

When I played Mass Effect games for the first time, I had to start with 2, because PS didn’t have Mass Effect 1 on it at the time.  I played that game and got to Horizon where I met Kaiden for the first time.  I knew that once I met Kaiden, that should be my love interest and I had to restart the game to do it properly.

There are many fandoms I belong to; it isn’t limited to just one.  I didn’t get into books, or anything else, because really this wasn’t supposed to even be about me.  I just do what all fangirls do and digress when they talk about their favorite things.

Girl1 is a hardcore fangirl.  She also obsesses over her fandoms, and usually drags me in.  It made me smile when I realized what I passed down to her was her obsession with fictional characters.

I learned the other day, that at 5, Girl2 is also a fangirl.  We have watched Doctor Who and Girl2 loves the 11th Doctor.  I didn’t realize how much, until it was announced that he was leaving.  K was talking to her about it (and she may have been 4 at that time), and she freaked out; seriously, huge meltdown.  It was almost like the stages of grief.  We got over that hill, and the other day, we were in the car and we were talking about the taped Doctor Who Christmas Special we hadn’t watched yet.

I got a little tense, knowing her objection to Doctor 11 leaving and so I started to explain it was his last episode.  I could hear her voice cracking in the back asking me what he was going to do.  Meaning if he was not going to be the Doctor, what else could he possible do.  I told her I wasn’t sure, but he just wasn’t going to be the Doctor anymore, and a new one would take his place.  Meltdowns again. She was crying, saying he couldn’t go, that he was her Doctor, and she didn’t want to see the show without him.  She was seriously sad, and I understood.  It’s hard to lose something that you love, even when it is a fictional character (ask any fan of the Song of Ice and Fire series).  M, who was also in the car, made the mistake of saying he was just a television Doctor.  She didn’t take that very well, yelling that he was NOT just a television doctor.  As sad as I was for her,  I understood.  They aren’t just television, books, video game characters.  You develop an emotional attachment.  I consoled her, saying he wasn’t just a television doctor, and one day she may still marry him and fly off in the TARDIS.  A fangirl was born.

So, while the above definition is mostly correct, you don’t need to be at least 12 or under 17 to be a fangirl.  It is just part of what you are, and it’s better to just embrace it.  

I watched the Christmas special by the way, and decided Girl2 can’t watch it.  I am sure it will break her heart, and that I don’t think she is quite ready for.




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Conversations with Girl1

Good morning again, friends!

Oh, Christmas Eve.  You are the calm before the storm that is Christmas morning.  I plan on relaxing while I can before running out to get my last minute needed items for Christmas Dinner tomorrow.

My post today has nothing to do with that, though.  It has to do with a conversation I had with Girl1 that brought tears to my eyes.  We were talking on Saturday night as she was eating her dinner.  She started talking about how she really doesn’t like the super skinny look and think it is ridiculous.  She told me she would rather have some chubs, because she thinks it is cuter than the skin and bones look.  She then started to go into details about why it is better:

It is more to hug.

She loves food too much.

She likes having thighs that hit together because it creates warmth while she is walking.  

If a cheetoes falls, she can catch it with her thighs and still eat it.

She is afraid she will lose breast sizes if she dieted (not that she needs to).

Oh, Girl1.  How proud I am of you for being proud of what you have.  How different I was at that age, already struggling.  To know that you aren’t there and that you escaped that demon.  Keep being proud of who you are, and I am so proud of you.

Eat well, friends.  Eat well enough to catch cheetoes in your thighs.


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Year in Review

Hello, friends!  It’s an early morning, I know.  Most times I don’t write this early, because let’s face it, I am usually not even one to be able to formulate a sentence this early.  However, I am up, drinking my coffee, and I figured it would be good to spend it with you.  The place is a little discombobulated, but I am happy.

I recently re-read my first post of this year.  I wanted to see what I had written on January 1, 2013 because I knew that I had laid out my year blueprint.  I usually don’t revisit my posts, but that one was important.  I wanted to see how close to the mark I came.  I was so proud, friends.  What I had read was plans for 2013 to be a year of actions.  It was a year to do hard things, and face fears.  So much happened that I know I will not be able to remember every detail for this post, and even if I did, it may be too long to write.  Instead I will write about some highlights!

This year marked the first year I had a stamp in my passport.  What a crazy and wonderful adventure that was.  First, I have never traveled alone.  I had never entered an airport on my own, and to be honest, I think the 24 hours that I spent in travel was the first time I had actually been alone for that long for many years.  It was scary to be alone on those flights, in the airport, but so exhilarating at the same time.  I cannot express in words how wonderful that trip was.   

It was the year of hard conversations.  Conversations that had been waiting to come out for some time.  It was not just in my marriage (which I will get to later), but also with my children.  I shared a lot with them this year, as I am sure they saw a lot of changes in me.  It was conversations with Girl1 about my battles with eating disorders, a conversation with my son about the fact that my first sexual experience was not of my own free will so that way he could see that rape is something that can happen to anyone.  A mother is an untouchable being to a child; almost a superhero.  I remember looking at my mom at a younger age and not truly seeing her as a person who has gone through ugly, lived and in the end triumphed through obstacles.  They are just mom.  I allowed my son to see that ugly I had been through.  I gave him the lesson of just not only not doing, but protecting those that can’t, just as in my case.  I wish someone had done that for their child on the night I was raped.  I wish someone spoke up and just took me home.  That being said, without that experience, I would not have had that conversation with my son, and it was an important hard conversation.

The most hard of hard conversations was the one(s) that ended my marriage.  It wasn’t just one, it was many over the course of 2013.  It didn’t end because he was bad, or I was bad; it ended because deep down, we weren’t happy.  It was hard to do, to split up the family structure that has been in place for years, but it had to be done.  I want my children to know to not be afraid to be happy, and that sometimes, you have to do hard things in order to achieve that happiness.  It was the hardest to give up my youngest for 50% of the time; I have never had to share my children in any situation, with Girl 1 and Boy’s father just sort of disappearing.  

I gained and lost friends this year.  

I learned how to say, “I am not okay and that is okay.”  I am also working on “I need help” when I do.  This one is a little bit harder, because I am a stubborn girl full of pride; one who likes to think that they can do pretty much anything.  I learned that indeed, I can do pretty much anything, but sometimes in order to reach the end, I have to lean on others to help support me to the end.

I saw Girl 1 enter high school.  She joined Color Guard in the marching band and I got to see her apply herself to something.  She attended many practices and games, and competitions with the marching band.  They ended up being state champions this year and I don’t know if I could have been prouder.  It was good to see her belong to something and apply herself.  Now, she just needs to learn how to load the dishwasher properly.

The Boy learned about responsibility too.  He has the job of watching Girl 2 until I get home from work.  I know this is not an easy task, but he has stepped up and done very well.  I think in some ways, it has brought them closer.  I know I wrote an entire post about how important he is to me, but I can never say it enough: In many ways, he saved me from a much deeper depression.  

It’s hard to believe that we are a little over a week from the end of 2013.  This year, which was so great and so hard, is coming to an end and making way for 2014.  I used to say that I was always taking baby steps to the places I needed to go, but 2013 showed me that baby steps are done and it is time to take giant leaps with abandonment.  It taught me to jump off the edge and have faith that I will end up more than okay.

In two days, I will be home, with all of my family (blood and not blood), celebrating Christmas.  I know the day won’t be peaceful (there is nothing peaceful about my family), but it will be a day of love.  I’m not sure if you celebrate this holiday, another holiday, or no holiday, but my wish for you is to have love and peace for not just that day, but for the rest of this year as well.  Make wonderful use of the time that we have left this year and do something that you love to close it out.  I can’t thank you all enough for being with me during one of the most craziest years of my life and take my hand.  I don’t know what 2014 is going to bring, but we are going to go together.

Love, friends.  Just love.


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