Monthly Archives: April 2014

The Ballad Of FFAC Part 1

Life is crazy.  Sometimes, life is crazy in totally unexpected ways.

Sometimes we think we are going one way, and then something will set us back 10 feet.  Sometimes we think we have all the things in the world figured out, and then we find out that we were totally wrong.  Sometimes we make bad choices that end with something beautiful.

Then there is this, which is all of those things and then more.

There are certain events in my life, good and bad, that I remember as if they just happened.  I remember one of my first conversations with K, about snack cakes, skipping first period in high school.  I remember that to me, she was already special.  We didn’t see each other for a year when I switched to a different school, then they first time I saw her, I ran and attacked her with love.  She got over her fear of me.

I remember my first real, true interaction with HS.  My Panera soul-mate.  I will never forget that day in Canton, realizing we had 50 sandwiches to make and understand that together we could do it.  It was like magic.

I remember the moment of birth for all three of my children.  That first moment I held Lena, and I knew that nothing else in the world could be more perfect.  Nick came, and I felt the same thing.  Julie’s birth was so different, so traumatic, but still at the end when I saw her, there was that moment that you felt like nothing in the world could ever go wrong, not on your watch.

These are important to me; important life moments.  They aren’t the only ones, but some of the few.  There are scattered memories all over the place, of times, of people, good and bad.

FFAC.  Ryan.

I remember our first conversation ever.  I remember our first interaction.  As geeky as it is, it was playing WoW.  We were in a dungeon with some of our other guildmates.  K was there too.  We cleared it out, and people went, and we were still on Vent. We talked about coffee and lemonade, and how lemonade in New Zealand was not lemonade here.  It is Sprite there.  I thought he was lying, because how can lemon/lime soda be lemonade?  I had to leave to go to Panera, and I remember the drive.  I remember going over the conversation, and you have that moment where you know something has changed; something important has happened.

I won’t get into the whole story, because no one has that much time.  I will give you the gist.  We spent two years that way, talking on headsets, sending packages.  We were extremely close, but very far.  It still hurts a bit in some places when I think about that time, but all things happen for a reason.  I became pregnant with J.  He thought it would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t, and I became distant and cold.  When things start to go distant and cold, when there is no nurturing, things and people go away.

It wasn’t his fault, and I don’t hate myself for that because honestly, to do so would be to regret what I received.  I know that whatever may be out there, fate, God(s), whatever, J was destined to be in this world.  I try not to regret, because to me, that is just an opening for never moving forward, but I do not like hurting people, especially not people I love.  I wrote him two letters, but he had moved and didn’t update his mailing address.  I have done the same thing, so I can’t fault him for that.

We stopped talking, for a long time.  4 years worth of long time.  I never stopped wondering what he was doing, or if he was happy.  I wondered if he had done what he was setting out to do when we first started talking.  There were times that I would think to myself that I should reach out, but I was scared.  I was really scared that had I, I would have opened the door for him to tell me I was a horrible person, and I couldn’t handle that coming from him.

I did what I had to do, what I thought was right to do.  I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either.  I could pretend, but I knew.  There was a lot going on, or rather maybe a lot not going on.  Again, when things are not nurtured, they die.

As cheesy as this is, I heard the Adele song, “Someone Like You”.  It resonated.  It not only did that, but it made me finally sit down at my computer and type out the email I waited 4 years to write.  It took me like an hour for not even a full paragraph.  I erased it a few times, closed the email a few times, debated it the entire time.  I had no idea what would happen and that terrified me.  You see, it didn’t matter to me what the outcome was, but I knew I just missed him in my life.  I wanted to communicate, even if it could only be as friends.  It took me a while, but I did hit send.

I did it and then went into panic mode.  I shut down my computer, I turned it back on.  I went into the living room and then went into the computer room and checked my email.  I saw he was online and shut down the computer again.  I turned it back on a few minutes later.  I was a wreck.

Sometimes facing your fears and doing what you are most scared to do can end up becoming a momentous, life changing moment.


He emailed back, and everything was very hesitant at first, but quickly fell back into old patterns.  There are rare people that if you are lucky, even if you don’t talk to them for a long time, when you do it is as if you were never apart.  It happened with K and I, and there are a few others I am lucky enough to have in my life that even if I don’t talk to them daily, we can always pick up where we left off.

Ryan was one of those people.  I think when you lose contact with someone important, truly lose contact, when and if you are lucky enough to get them back, you don’t want to mess it up again.  Whether it be a best friend, a relative, a soul mate, you don’t want to make the same mistakes.

I may wonder at times what kind of forces there are out there; whether it be fate, God(s), ka-tets, but I do know that sometimes a door may open, close, and then open again.  If it’s meant to be, then pieces will fall together and things move forward.  I do believe in some sort of fate, but I don’t believe fate does the work for you.  I think fate puts you in the right place at the right time, and you have to do the work.

There has been a lot of talk lately all around me about doors opening and closing.  I know some doors in my past that closed, and they closed because they weren’t my doors.  I don’t regret any of those doors, because they helped me realize who I am.  This may be part 1, and I don’t know when part 2 will be written because this story isn’t over.

Don’t be afraid, friends.  Or rather, it’s okay to be afraid, but then act on it.  Sometimes the best things come when we do what we are afraid of the most.



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April 27, 2014 · 3:12 pm

Aren’t always bad!

My blogging journey has been pretty amazing.  I planned on starting one to just write about books that I was reading, or my attempting to be creative in the kitchen, but instead it has become a place for me to share myself with the world.  It was sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes just rambling, but nonetheless, it was not about books or baking, but all about the beyond.

I found I also wrote a fair bit about my gaming adventures.  My unhealthy relationship with Square, my trials as a D&D newb, and now my trials as a D&D newb DM.  I wanted to have a place just for that, so those who like to read just my gaming updates can have a place to go where it isn’t gaming mixed with my trials and tribulations (and bits of optimism and life thoughts scattered around).

Some don’t care at all about my gaming, and like the above mentioned trials and tribulations.  Stay, please.  Come into my messy everything and find a place to sit.  I will still be here, because man, do I have a lot going on.

For those that like both, again, there is a place for you in both spots.  I always have room at the table.  I do hope you stay, and join me on my other blog as well.

So, here it is:

See you somewhere!

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April 26, 2014 · 1:46 am

Quick Update

We are going to have some new things happening around here and I hope you all are ready for the ride!

You may have noticed I changed the header.  It really isn’t about books, or baking, but mostly beyond, or my everything or nothing.

Exciting gaming news going on soon, stay posted!

Break is over and off I go!

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The Easter the Almost Wasn’t

I almost lost myself today, friends.  Today was Easter, and I decided to have it at my house, even though my mom’s house is now open.  I figured since it was K’s first meat day, we could celebrate here with all the meat and not just ham.  I am not too much of a ham person, to be honest.

I woke up before Girl2, but not before K.  Girl2 came down and sure enough, we had chicken for breakfast. Girl2, the Boy and Girl1 and went through their baskets (the Easter Bunny was a bit lazy this year so there was no basket hiding).  We had chicken and potatoes for breakfast and the prepared for the day ahead.

The reason we have had holidays here is not due to tradition, but rather a falling out has occurred that has made the family not all be able to gather together.  I won’t get into that here, but it is a point of the story for today.  My mom told me she would be here at 2, so I figured 2:30-3.  See, I was planning the cooking around this as well as the planned activities for the children (yearly Easter egg hunt).  So as it got closer to 3, I had K give a call on over to see when they would be here.  She talked to my mom and she said it would be some time, because she still had to go  to my brother’s house first.  

I cannot lie to you.  I was angry.  This wasn’t the first time that planned activities have been held up because of going to my brothers house.  J’s last birthday was a prime example, where she was late and almost didn’t come, and when she did, it was much later than I wanted.  Now, my brother has cut himself off from the family, except for my mom, and that’s fine; we all make our choices.  However, I don’t like being on hold, and not just me, but everyone else in the family as well.

I was doing my rage thing, when K told me, “You know, other people have far worse Easter Sundays.  Some don’t have baskets, or dinners, or anything.”  I think she was explaining it more to Girl2, but I also think it was meant for me. 

I decided there and then that I wasn’t going to let this throw me off. I was going to do what we had planned.  We hid eggs, Julie found them.  Then Julie and I hid the eggs and everyone else found them.




It was like The Hunger Games.  The Boy pushed Girl1 into the bushes for an egg.

We started our cooking, I had potatoes, K had meat.


And a beer

We got dolled up and took pics!





Posing a threat!

They came just in time to eat.  We carved some meat, ate the meal, my mom brought over like 100 more eggs.  Really.  This was how tired I was of hiding eggs:


I got really lazy.

The kids (and Uncle Sal) had fun finding them and it was amazing.  There was much laughter, tears from laughter really.  And some great pictures.




This is just epic.  Look at all that radiating beauty.

Here is the point of all of this.  Holidays don’t need to be on a schedule.  They happen when they happen.  I am lucky enough to be able to be surrounded by people I love, people who love me, abundance of food, and it all happens when it is supposed to happen.  It was a beautiful day, as it was a meant to be.  There was no need for any anger.  Love heals.

“Groove is in the heart.” – Deee-LIte


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The Saga Continues – Adventure Ahead!

Hello good friends!  Today was our second session of our Heroes as they searched to find what had happened to a missing family and missing guards, and maybe, figure out what was happening to the poor town of Kingsholm.

There was no Inn adventures,so it was less prep for me in terms of menus, however, props were abound!  My girl K and the Boy were gifted with enchanted water pouches, made from animal skin and decorated with the raven feathers from their prior battles.  It would purify anything entered into it.  Girl1 and Pedro were gifted with regular canteens to hold water.  I also put together some leftover Easter candy in a bag, and when they rolled a critical, they had a piece thrown at them.


Prizes for crits!  They were really excited to see candy thrown at them!


Ok, the Boy was excited when he actually hit something.

They came upon the graveyard where the mausoleum was to find two dead Sentinels.  May they rest in peace.


Petrilly performed a sending to take them to the final resting place.

We all learned some lessons.  I learned to not draw a room, because I am not an artist and what happens is you have 7 undeads in a room, not drawn correctly, and the priest has access to turn all of them.  At once.  And she was double their hit die.  I learned that I have a lot of homework re-scaling a dungeon.  It was a pretty awesome moment for her, and I would have been excited as well.

I had put together black pouches with various gems, plastic gold coins, and pretty stones, so if there was treasure to be found, it was thrown on the table.

I also learned how much fun it was to mess with your players.  There was a puzzle room, and it was the simplest puzzle.  I hyped it up and bit and when questions were asked, I just laughed.  This brought fear into them and made them really cautious.  The best part was The Boy solved it about 30 seconds after entering, but no one would let him do it because they were afraid.


This was the room of the mind melt.  All that needed to be done was move the tiles in chronological order.  Hahahahahaha.

They saved a trapped girl, sent a pair of soul mated skeleton wolves into their final resting place  (I added the soul mated part.  I am such a dramatic romantic), and defeated an ogre zombie.


Yes, that dice lights up if it lands on a 20.  I can’t wait to use it for rolling!


Look at those swarms!  There was only supposed to be 4, but I am mean like that.

End of the day, fun was had by all in our 6 hour session.  I am rather enjoying playing DM, and I have assigned homework to my group to help them (and me) dive more into their characters.  I enjoy coming up with sound effects (today’s was Zombie sounds, stone doors, bones rattling, and most battles had the Final Fantasy 10 battle song and concluded with the Final Fantasy 7 victory song).  

This campaign has so much story to it, but I am planning on making some parts my own, to again, face my players with their fears, their temptations,and themselves.  I cannot wait to get them farther along into the dark recess of my mind, and I hope they can make it out alive.

Until next time, roll true and high, friends.  Let me know if you get a crit and you may get some candy!


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The Return of the Unhealthy Relationship

Square, Square, Square.

So many years it took me to get over you.  It took so long to even admit that I was in a one sided relationship with you.  I found the strength though, the strength I needed to move past you.  I left you behind after Final Fantasy 13.  I came to terms with the fact that the last Final Fantasy I actually played through and beat was 10.  It hurt to not beat 12 or 13.  I had played you from 1 on.  It wasn’t just Final Fantasy either.  I would buy something just because it came from you.  That’s some trust.

I left you behind because I felt deflated with your actions to me.  It wasn’t that you couldn’t give me a stunning visual experience, because you could, but because I gave you so much of my time and dedication, and I did not get emotionally fulfilled.  Do you know how empty I felt playing 12?  How little I cared about Lightening?  Honestly, she had the personality of a paper bag.

There were times, many times, that I wondered if I made the right choice leaving you behind.  Hearing that Final Fantasy 13-2 was a good game, that it had value, you made me doubt myself again.

Now you did the only thing you could have that would have guaranteed that I would return to you.  You gave me back 10.  

Oh, Tidus, how annoying you are in the beginning, but how much I love you later on.  Yuna, you beautiful soul, so selfless going towards something that you know won’t end well.  Auron, you wonderful man on a mission.  All of you, really.  You gave me back the perfect game for me.  

I think you did this to lure me back with your soft words and beautiful songs.  It worked.  I have now spent hours upon hours, happily grinding and lending money to some shady store operator.  I just want to keep going, but not too fast, so I can take it all in and relive it again, but like Yuna, know it isn’t going to end well.  

After I’m done maybe I will try 13 again.


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