So, I am getting my papers ready for the inevitable. I typed up everything I knew how, names, dates, addresses. Soon we’ll be having the final talk, everything in hand, so there are no real surprises later. There were murmurs of trying, but you can only fit a square peg in a round hole for so long before you just realize that it isn’t going to happen. So, I did that this morning. The certificate is in, and the irony doesn’t escape me of needed the certificate to finalize everything else.
It’s easy to feel alone when you are doing this. Easy to feel like no one can truly understand what this is like, not even myself. I have never been here, or done anything like this on this level. I have never had to go to a court and stand in front of someone telling them how things just fell apart. Justify why they can’t be fixed. I’m still scared. I’m scared he’ll have a lawyer and I won’t. I’m scared that I’ll lose one of the things most important to me in the world. When I started this train of thought a couple of years ago, I was scared of many more things. I was scared of being single with three kids. I was scared of living on my own with only my income. I was scared of who I would turn to when I just needed to turn to someone. I was scared of the backlash from everyone. As time goes on, I am becoming less and less scared, and more able to know what the right course of action is. I am taking the steps I need to better myself. When your boy looks at you and says all they want is for you to be happy, you know you are more transparent rather than not.
Here’s where I turn it around and make this into a love post, because this really is about love. Love, like plants, need to be nurtured to grow. They need certain things or they just wither and die. Moving forward this is for the people who are currently nurturing me.
Growing up, we were poor. Get this – I had no idea. My mom, being a single mom at the age of 17, managed to have her own place and provided for me everything I needed so I never knew we weren’t living above the poverty line. I had government cheese growing up, the big block that came in the cardboard box. My mom would dress me up and do my hair in pigtails that felt so tight I thought my eyes were bulging, and we would walk to go get it. Mom didn’t have a car, and I didn’t think that was not normal either. On the way back we would stop at the fountain in front of the City Hall and I would be mesmerized. I remember once I made a wish that I would get a white frilly dress with strawberries. I must have spoken aloud, because soon after my Mom gifted me with a white frilly dress with strawberries that she made.
The thing is, my mom was single, but my grandmother lived in the same apartment building, my grandfather was there, and my great grandmother had her own place there too. Out of the six family apartment building, three were my family We all worked together, and they all provided me with maybe what was the happiest years of my life. I never knew how hard she must have struggled, or how tired she must have been after working third shift and me waking her up to color with me; my great grandmother stopping what she was doing when I knocked on her door so I could go through her books; my grandfather watching daytime Soaps with me or my grandmother letting me help her put together her Avon bags. None of us were alone.
I still have my mom. My wonderful mom who will drive to another town to pick up Girl1 at the mall because she didn’t want to walk home, or stop over when I am sick to bring me something gluten free. She will pick me up to play Bingo every Wednesday even though she has homework to do and wouldn’t normally stay. I think she likes spending the time as much as I do.
I have my lovely girl K, who maybe thinks I did her a favor by letting her come to us when she needed it, but really she saved me and my household. She brings an air of love, creativity, understanding, to us all. She listens when I just need to vent, and on nights where she knows I must really need it makes me a full chicken meal so it’s ready when I come in after my 10 hour days. She never sighs at me when I forget exactly how to end or start my crochet line and tells me my blankets are beautiful even if they look like tree skirts.
I have my group of friends new, and newer, who have come into my life and for a few hours allow me to be someone else. They provide me with a fantasy world where I can be anyone I want, and have adventures. They will pass a bottle, help me clean off a chair, and purposely look for gluten free snacks even though I am the only one who has this requirement.
I have my FB friends who like my statuses and help me feel less alone. They leave me nice words, uplifting thoughts, and just silent strength so I know I can continue on my path. They send me messages, attempt to make plans with me (I’m hard to tie down, but know I would love to see each of you). They make me feel not alone.
I have my children, who love me something fierce. They will come over and hug me when I need it and stay away when I don’t. They will tell me a funny story, or talk in a funny voice to see me smile.
I have my worldly friends, and FFAC, who was willing to get on a plane twice, and put me on one once to show me the world. He never lets me doubt my worth for a moment, and when I start to tells me to knock it off. He continually finds ways to make me smile, to make me feel valued, even if he is across the world. He listens to me complain then asks me how I can fix it. He helps me brainstorm ideas to fix it.
I also have my new blogging friends as well, who have liked and commented, and shared their views. I have put my heart out on some of these posts, and been terrified to come clean about a lot of the things I hide. You have all been supportive and wonderful. The reason I will throw these real life posts in here is to not feel alone, and also so maybe someone out there doesn’t have to feel alone either. We aren’t alone. It may feel like that at times, but out there, we all have someone who understands.
Thank you all, who have been with me, and will continue to walk this journey with me. Thank you to ones I have mentioned, for feeding my soul and myself. I really am so lucky that during this time I have such a wonderful wall of love surrounding me.
Until next time, lovies. Go hug someone.