Tag Archives: Gardens

Charlatan

It’s time to come clean.  I discovered something about myself today as I was sitting in my unhappy funk at work and it wasn’t pleasant.  I realized I am a charlatan. 

I often post these things, these self discovery moments, and I realized that maybe it appears that I have things together.  I have all these deep thoughts and these grandiose plans on how to move forward with my life.  I sometimes think I will actually be able to do some of them, and to be fair, I am 100% honest when it comes to my feelings at the times of those posts. 

In truth, friends, I am not some deep thinking guru who knows what they are doing.  Most of the time I am not sure if I have matching socks, and as my girl K would tell you, my chapter in her book would be titled “Socks Don’t Match”.

The thing is, I want to be put together.  I want to have the answers and think the deep thoughts, and know what is going to happen in my life.  I want to be in control and at the same time not be in control.  Some very wonderful people have told me that reading my blog inspires them, and I think that is very sweet, but maybe it’s time to tell you the truth.

I am a horrible housekeeper.  I really need help in this department.  I have no organization skills (unless chaos is it’s own form of organization).  Again, I want to be good at it.  I look in awe at people who can make things sparkle when I can just make more piles.  Remember the post about the eraser board on my fridge?  It’s still there, and now I think I use it as a magnet board.

I don’t remember when I washed my floor last.  Actually, I don’t remember where my mop is.  I really should find it.  Come to think about it, I don’t have a mop!  I have a swiffer!  See what I mean?

I do a horrible job at taking care of my gluten free needs.  I am the worst poster child for Celiac’s ever, and sometimes I think I traded in one eating disorder for another kind all together.

I’m scared way more often than I let on.  I am scared of my future, of the next 12 months or so, adapting to a new way of life.

I take horrible pictures of my friends and post them online.  They hate me for this.

I don’t know what to do sometimes.  It’s starting to be sometimes more often than not. 

I’m kinda sad, no matter how much I try to shove it deep down.  I’m more than kinda sad.  I do a horrible job shoving it down, but I still try, because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.  In reality, I want to just wear my pajama pants all day, not take a shower for a week, roll up in a ball, and eat a lot of ice cream.  I can’t do it, and I won’t do it, because Girl 2 would never get ready in the morning if I was in a ball.  I just really want to be sad for a while though without trying to hide it.  Maybe if I let some out, some happy could come back in but I have this huge issue where I think if I do let that sad out it would make me a weak person. 

I’m quite broken, friends.

On a positive, because I do like to end things on a positive note, I am totally going to garden with my girl K.  We are going to do kiddie pool gardens and grow lots of things, like vegetables!  We are also going to build a herb pallet herb garden because why the heck not!  I am super excited about this since I normally cannot grow anything (though I did have one successful green bean patch!).  I’ll be sure to keep you posted with pics and everything once we get going.  Sustainable farming!  I want to do it!

Til next time, darlings. 

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