Tag Archives: Emo

Learnings from a Hurt Place

This morning I ate a small bag of Ruffles and pepperoni and cheese.  It was pretty amazing because I really haven’t been eating a lot the last few days so I was really proud of my efforts. It’s hard for me to eat when I am upset about something, and let’s face it, it’s usually hard for me to eat in general.  I do very well pretty much everyday, but like with anything that is bad for you, it always lays dormant waiting for you to leave an opening.  Somewhere in my brain I will always associate skipping meals as a really good thing, a positive thing, so it’s hard to congratulate myself while telling myself I am an idiot at the same time.

I’m not going to tell the story about why I am upset, because it really isn’t just my story to tell, and honestly, I don’t want to tell it.  Everyday gets easier as I run through the gambit of emotions.  I have felt better each day, which is how we got to Ruffles and pepperoni this morning.  Oh, and cheese.  Progress, people.

I will share the end result.  Over the course of the last 5 days, I’ve felt betrayed, used, abandoned, judged, lied to, labeled, lost two friends and something that took up mostly every Saturday for almost a year.  It’s been a crazy ride for the last 5 days.  I’ve been devastated, relieved, angry, and contemplative.  Here is what I have learned:

People, including myself, can be absolute idiots.  It comes with the being human territory, and just as at times we can be absolute geniuses, we can also have absolute moments of stupidity.  Being backed into a corner can make us do really stupid things.

You cannot be mad at others because they didn’t do what you wanted them to do.  Well, you can, but in the end it doesn’t matter because they will still make their own choices and you will have absolutely no say in it.

You cannot be mad at others for making bad decisions.  Remember, you probably make bad decisions all the time, and you probably didn’t listen to anyone either.

You have to accept that sometimes you may value someone more than they value you.  It’s a hard acceptance, but a true one.

People lie.  Sometimes you won’t understand the why behind it, but you just need to understand that it happens.

Fear is a bitch.  Fear can stop us from getting into trouble, but it can also absolutely stop us from obtaining something wonderful.  It’s okay to be scared.  Everyone at some point in their life has been scared.  It is not okay to let fear dictate your life.

Sometimes people we surround ourselves with are not the best people for us to surround ourselves with.  The people we choose to let into ourselves should embrace and inspire.  The should fill you with love and allow you to fill them with love.  When that doesn’t happen, you probably aren’t surrounding yourself with the right people.  All relationships should be give and take.  Sadly, it doesn’t usually work out that way, but that doesn’t mean to give up before you find it.

Violence is really never an answer.  It just isn’t for me.  I really can’t think of one situation where violence has made it better.  It may feel good at the time, but never forget it is very bad.  It kinda breaks my heart when I hear about it.

I am and will be fine.  It’s what I do, the consummate cheerleader.  It’s been a rough week, but it is what it is.  I accept that there will be good days, and bad days, good months, bad months.  Hell, I have had bad years.  Yet, at the end, I know I always have so many things to be grateful for; children who I find amazing; a job that isn’t horrible; friends that love me, even when I make bad choices.  The world is still good, and though I haven’t felt much like unicorns and mermaids, I could solidly go with a mini-pony.  They are quite cute.

I will leave you with a most amazing quote from a movie I have a soft spot for:

“Be excellent to each other”

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The Art of Feels

When I was 15, I was told that I was a manic depressive.  I didn’t understand really what that meant as I sat there holding a paper to give to a pharmacist.  Sure, I got depressed but I was 15.  It like comes with the territory, or so I thought.  What the person who handed me didn’t understand is that what he saw as manic depressive, I saw as just having a lot of feels.  I had that paper and I walked home and walked right past the pharmacy because I didn’t think I actually needed anything to cure me.  I just had feels.

I’ve always been a girl who had really deep feels.  I didn’t think it was strange to cry over books and commercials, it was normal.  I could empathize with peoples pain and hurt and always want to fix it for them.  If I could, I would try to suck their feels into myself so they wouldn’t have to have them anymore.  I would shoulder the worlds hurts if I could.

I remember being in third grade and my teacher had reached out to my mom.  There was a girl in the class who was having a difficult time.  She really didn’t fit in and she had no friends.  The teacher wanted me to make friends with her so she wouldn’t feel so alone.  So I would walk home with her and play games with her (I still remember sitting on her living room floor playing “Where’s the Beef” – yes, they made a board game out of that).  I think it has always been in my genetic makeup to just feel all the feels.

When my father unexpectedly passed away, I remember going to the doctor again.  A regular doctor who asked a bunch of questions and she ended with giving me a script for anti-depressants.  Again, I was handed something to dull down my overactive feels.  I went to the pharmacy this time because I was older, and didn’t trust myself as much, and got it filled.  I went home and stared at it before I threw them in the garbage.  To me, being sad and not sleeping well had everything to do with the fact that my father died on my son’s birthday and no one knew he was even in the hospital.  That makes sense, right?  Who wouldn’t have feels?  I remember talking to one of my employees at the time who’s father had also passed and he was given the same pills.  The difference was he took them.  He told me how he didn’t feel sad, but he also didn’t feel happy.  It was just nothing.  After that conversation I had known I made the right choice.

Once more I was given this magical cure of the feels.  I was going through a rough spot and just couldn’t get out of my hole.  It was pretty bad for a while and resulted in me having a mini breakdown.  I saw yet another new doctor and this time filled the pills and started taking the medication.  I did it for about a week before I realized that this is just who I am.  I am a girl who has deep feels.

That isn’t to say that there are tons of people out there who need the medication.  I think anyone who has issues should exhaust avenues to make themselves better.  For me, it wasn’t the medication that was going to make me feel better.  It was accepting who I am and acknowledging that sometimes I will care too deeply, love too hard, and mourn when I’ve lost things.

Right now I feel a little broken.  I feel a little sad, and a little mournful.  It will eventually pass, and I will be back to my rainbows, unicorns, and please don’t cuddle me self (walking contradiction, remember?).  I was outside and the neighbor was mowing the lawn and I wondered if he was also broken.  Maybe he had just lost something and felt a little sad and mowing the lawn made him feel better.  I am sure it probably wasn’t the case, but I like to make silent connections with unsuspecting people.  

I didn’t take the medications because I wanted to feel.  I wanted to feel all the feels, good and bad.  I fully believe you can’t have one thing without another, you can’t be happy without knowing sad.  You can’t be full without knowing empty.  It helps us gauge where we are, or what we need to do to get to a better place.  Sometimes things can be scary.  Scary doesn’t mean hard stop though, if anything scary is the best feel to have because it is going to be a monumental moment in your life.  Stop and think about it.  Think about one time you were really scared.  Did you run?  If you did, were you happy you did?  Did you face it?  If so, did you get that waive of relief for doing something you never thought you could do, or was it for something worth so much that nothing could have stopped you?  Monumental.  

I love people.  I really, really, love people.  I love them when they are happy, and I love them when they aren’t.  I understand broken people, the fighters that keep going, and the ones that need help getting picked back up.  I have been all of those, and something tells me you have as well.  I have yet to meet one person who has not been broken.  We are all so wonderfully fantastic with our feels and our scars.  It’s beauty, friends.  I may not feel it now, but I know I will again.  I will ask Girl2 and K to give me my own Warrior face make up because I deserve it.  

I don’t know what ended up happening to the girl who I played Where’s the Beef with.  She ended up moving at some point.  I still think about it from time to time, and how I was really scared to approach her at first, but we had some good times together.  Feels aren’t always a bad thing, even when they are at their worst, and they are always worth it.  For me, being a girl with really deep feels makes me feel alive and connected.

Just remember it’s okay to be broken.  I sat around all day today in my pajamas, took a shower and got dressed in more pajamas.  I drew 2 pictures, ordered pizza because I couldn’t be bothered and ate the whole small gluten free pizza in one sitting.  I think now I will curl up with a book, and try to lose myself in someone else’s broken story.  One day I will get my face paint.

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Being Human

Being human is hard.

Being a girl is hard.

Being a human girl sometimes is damned near impossible.

It’s been a crazy start of a week, up through today, and I shan’t go into the deets.  I think I will just write here and see what happens.

I almost gave up, you know.  I almost hid in a corner and just let it all wash over me until I couldn’t stand anymore.  Luckily, it isn’t my style.  So I stood up and decided that I would face it, and deal with it, maybe cry sometimes, and smile others.  I decided I was choosing not to give up, but to be a human girl.

I spoke earlier about how you become vulnerable when you hand your heart to someone, that you are giving them the responsibility for caring for it.  It just doesn’t fall under love in the attraction sense, but can also fall in the any sort of love sense, like friendships and parental, really anything.  When we bring people into us, we are opening up parts of ourselves that maybe doesn’t get opened up too often.  We may not think of the repercussions if someone doesn’t treat us gently, or even if we do, sometimes we just don’t care.

The truth is, sometimes people don’t treat us gently.  Intentionally or not, sometimes our gift that we have given to people to hold and secure becomes left behind, smashed into pieces, or squeezed until it just doesn’t exist anymore.  We all make mistakes, we may wrong others, we may forget them, or tell them things that we don’t mean.  

The choices we make are do we pick up the remnants and try to piece it together and move on?  Do we offer our broken selves to others, knowing that it can still happen again?  How do we still trust in each other, or ourselves?  We can’t help what happens sometimes, and not all stories have happy endings.  In fact, looking back at our experiences, we may find that most do not have happy endings.  

It’s with this that I say we have to all stand up and go on.  We have to forgive people who hurt us, and ask forgiveness of those we hurt.  Trust me, as much as we may scorn those that hurt us, if we look into our hearts (albeit maybe a bit worn and tired heart), we will find that we may not have been so gentle ourselves.  We can’t forget how to open ourselves and let people in, with abandon, because to try and hide from being hurt we are just hurting ourselves.  We have to accept that we will have those moments, and just hope that we will have enough good memories to have made it worth it.  

Do what you need to do to get over your hurt.  Watch movies, play video games, eat, don’t eat, go shopping, count your pennies, listen to sad songs, dance like crazy in the rain, sun, or even under the moon, check your email 50 times a day to see if there is contact, check your phones for messages until you just start doing it less and less.  There is no time limit, but there is a time where you will be able to get up again and face it.  I’ll be waiting, a little battle worn, but still full of hope.

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Charlatan

It’s time to come clean.  I discovered something about myself today as I was sitting in my unhappy funk at work and it wasn’t pleasant.  I realized I am a charlatan. 

I often post these things, these self discovery moments, and I realized that maybe it appears that I have things together.  I have all these deep thoughts and these grandiose plans on how to move forward with my life.  I sometimes think I will actually be able to do some of them, and to be fair, I am 100% honest when it comes to my feelings at the times of those posts. 

In truth, friends, I am not some deep thinking guru who knows what they are doing.  Most of the time I am not sure if I have matching socks, and as my girl K would tell you, my chapter in her book would be titled “Socks Don’t Match”.

The thing is, I want to be put together.  I want to have the answers and think the deep thoughts, and know what is going to happen in my life.  I want to be in control and at the same time not be in control.  Some very wonderful people have told me that reading my blog inspires them, and I think that is very sweet, but maybe it’s time to tell you the truth.

I am a horrible housekeeper.  I really need help in this department.  I have no organization skills (unless chaos is it’s own form of organization).  Again, I want to be good at it.  I look in awe at people who can make things sparkle when I can just make more piles.  Remember the post about the eraser board on my fridge?  It’s still there, and now I think I use it as a magnet board.

I don’t remember when I washed my floor last.  Actually, I don’t remember where my mop is.  I really should find it.  Come to think about it, I don’t have a mop!  I have a swiffer!  See what I mean?

I do a horrible job at taking care of my gluten free needs.  I am the worst poster child for Celiac’s ever, and sometimes I think I traded in one eating disorder for another kind all together.

I’m scared way more often than I let on.  I am scared of my future, of the next 12 months or so, adapting to a new way of life.

I take horrible pictures of my friends and post them online.  They hate me for this.

I don’t know what to do sometimes.  It’s starting to be sometimes more often than not. 

I’m kinda sad, no matter how much I try to shove it deep down.  I’m more than kinda sad.  I do a horrible job shoving it down, but I still try, because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.  In reality, I want to just wear my pajama pants all day, not take a shower for a week, roll up in a ball, and eat a lot of ice cream.  I can’t do it, and I won’t do it, because Girl 2 would never get ready in the morning if I was in a ball.  I just really want to be sad for a while though without trying to hide it.  Maybe if I let some out, some happy could come back in but I have this huge issue where I think if I do let that sad out it would make me a weak person. 

I’m quite broken, friends.

On a positive, because I do like to end things on a positive note, I am totally going to garden with my girl K.  We are going to do kiddie pool gardens and grow lots of things, like vegetables!  We are also going to build a herb pallet herb garden because why the heck not!  I am super excited about this since I normally cannot grow anything (though I did have one successful green bean patch!).  I’ll be sure to keep you posted with pics and everything once we get going.  Sustainable farming!  I want to do it!

Til next time, darlings. 

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