It’s been a while, dear friends. I don’t even know how long it has been, but I don’t want to look because then I will feel ashamed that I have been away as long as I have. I would feel guilty for not posting things sooner, even if I didn’t really have anything to post. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to post, but I just didn’t have the right words for it. I figured I had posted enough of the dark recesses of my heart and mind (and really who wants to read that).
Since I don’t even know where I left off in my life last, and I didn’t want to go back to see where it was, I figure I will start fresh and slow. Sort of ease my way back into it, into the world that I was trying to deny but life just won’t let me anymore. M moved out, months ago now, actually. The divorce is next Thursday.
I have been seeing a Doctor who just wants me to take more meds, but really, they just pile up in my medicine cabinet. Maybe I am waiting for the Zombie apocalypse to come before I take them. I look at them, the bottles with my name on it, and I feel like if I take them daily as I should (in the morning with food), it is admitting that I am not okay. The fact that they are sitting there with me not taking them is a sign probably that I am not okay.
It’s hard. Life if hard. There are easy times, really good times, where I am so happy to breathe, and live, and see trees. Playing cards, or Star Wars pinballs, or other pinballs, they help me. I can’t do it forever though, and then when I go to bed alone, usually medicated on sleeping pills (those I do take. I can fully acknowledge that I have problems sleeping), it just washes over me. Then there are the other times. The times that aren’t so easy. Coming home from work at 8 before Girl 1 and 2 go to bed, and I have about an hour before they do so. Girl 1 usually very interested in what is online as 15 year olds can do, and the Boy playing a game or watching Star Trek. Absent is Girl 2, since even when she is here, getting home at 8 really doesn’t provide a lot of time, and weekends are split between two working parents. I feel it, her not being here. I feel a bit empty, and to cover that up I do what I can to fill it, like play Star Wars pinballs, or stare at the Facebooks, and push myself to knowing that she will be back. Sometimes I just want to stay in my footy pajamas all day, or go to bed as soon as I get up. I don’t do this, but I know I want to.
My life has changed so radically in the last few months, some in ways I expected and some in ways you just can’t plan for no matter what. The past month alone has provided me with a loss I won’t share here, but didn’t help me get back on that feeling great train. I am very thankful for my girl K, who has just let me cry, even if I can’t provide a reason for it. She just lets me be sad, and to borrow a phrase from Momastery, she holds space for me. FFAC listens to me as well, and provides me with the pick me ups that I need to know that it will eventually be okay.
In general, I am a positive person. I feel the world provides for you and gives you what you give to it. You have to go through things to get to the end of the tunnel. These last few weeks have been particularly hard with the upcoming holidays. I don’t know how to share my children. It isn’t something I have ever had to do. Going through a Thanksgiving, or Christmas Eve, or Christmas day even without it being what it has my entire life makes me sad.
Today I have off and I have done absolutely nothing other than sit here. I haven’t picked up anything, or done the dishes. I haven’t gone through my coupons, or removed the plates/glasses from the living room. I did take a shower, so that is a plus. I did call the doctor to tell him that I really am having anxiety issues at work (how can you not when the person you are divorcing sits two feet away from you), and that yesterday the word “lemons” threw me into a downward spiral, which resulted in me having to breathe deeply and cry. He was on vacation, but the Doctor who called me back told me to take more pills. I still haven’t. I guess I am still in my denial there.
So, I guess what this all equates to is that presently, I may not be in the best space, but I am alive. Sometimes I seem to be incapable of doing normal things, like phone calls, emails, or a blog post, but I am still here, going through my days. I am thankful for what I have in my life, and I know that there are great things to come, but I just have to push through this time and get there. I just hope my girl K doesn’t get upset that I didn’t do anything today.
Hold some space for me, friends.