Walking Contradiction

When I was younger I wanted to be a nun.  I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourself.

Better now?

Seriously, I have always had this fascination with nuns.  I didn’t understand it when I was younger, but I really wanted to be one.  I wanted to belong, and wear the habit, and just give off an aura of peace and love.  I guess I could have also wanted to be a hippie, minus the habit, but I don’t think I knew what a hippie was back then.  Plus, I don’t enjoy the herbal enjoyments.  I would make a really bad hippie.  I also discovered I would make a really bad nun.

Ever since I was little, I have been making life plans for myself.  I always think I have everything in order.  For those that have the grand opportunity of knowing me in the flesh space, they will tell you I am one of the most chaotic people they know.  I thrive in it.  One day I’ll take a picture of my work desk to prove it.  My order is chaos.  I would always plan my days, and sit in my room being grounded planning my big escape, getting older and planning my social activities.  I am a planner.

I have realized that my plans don’t always work out.  In fact, now that I think about it, I can’t remember any ones that have worked out quite like I expected them too.  Which kinda kills my soul.

See, I think of myself as this really logic based person.  I think that is where my grandiose plans of planning come from.  I like logic, and order, and everything that comes with it.  I have been described as cold, unfeeling, standoffish, etc. and my logical side says, “Yes!  That is exactly how you should be, you awesome logical thing!”  I remember back in the day a bunch of us were talking about opening an insurance agency.  My job was to be the one that would give people all the bad news, like some sort of insurance bouncer.  My girl K has told me many times that she does not like to argue with me, because I just get kind of cold and logical.

That’s only half of me though.  The other half is this optimistic, free spirited, emotional, girl who feels way too much and way too hard.  There are no plans, fate will put us right where we need to be.  Somewhere there is a unicorn that I will find, and we will eat snacks in some magical forest.  I envy Girl2 and her ability to just love and smack faces with it.  This side usually comes out when I am really happy or possibly intoxicated.  Contrary to some of my other posts, I don’t get intoxicated that often.  I want to frolic in fields for the rest of my life and express all the emotions I could ever feel as I feel them.

It’s hard to have these two sides; it’s like always a war going constantly.  Things come across your path that one side will try to talk you out of, and the other side will talk you into. You think you can do something because one side will tell you that it’s ok, and even provide reasons why.  The other side will just stand back waiting for the moment to pop up with the “I told you so.”  It’s exhausting.

So what does one do?  Well, in my case, I tend to display the logical, while letting the emotional win.  This attempt at planning has absolutely not worked for me in the past.  It usually leaves you vulnerable, and there is nothing a logical person hates more than vulnerability.  I was thinking of this earlier with Girl1 entering the realm of relationships and love, and being vulnerable tends to leave you with the possibility of having your heart broken.  I can’t warn her though, because honestly, sometimes the best part is knowing that you are opening yourself up to the possibility and letting someone in.  It isn’t usually pretty, at least not as pretty as they make it out to be in the movies, but it is an experience.  One hopes that when you pass your heart to someone that they are as gentle as they can be.

I guess when I look back at some point at my crazy, logical, emotional life, I want it to be about the journey I have taken, the paths I have chosen, and the experiences I have had.  I don’t expect it to be sunshine and rainbows, just like I don’t expect it to be perfectly planned.  I’m sure my heart isn’t done being broken because it just feels too many feels.  I know there are probably even times I will convince myself that it’s okay for it to be broken, because it was planned.  I don’t think I would change it for the world though, because in those moments of incredible feels, I feel so very alive.

I really would have made a horrible nun.



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4 responses to “Walking Contradiction

  1. mrs. k

    “Get thee to a nunnery!”

  2. It’s ok. I wouldn’t have been a good nun either.

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