Painful Love

I think posting three days in a row should get me a medal or maybe a coffee.  We can compromise and I would accept a medal with a cup of coffee on it.  Hooray for compromising!

My girl K and I were talking last night as lately we have started a very nice ritual.  We will go outside around 9:30-10 and just talk until it’s time to head to bed.  I have very much enjoyed it as it’s a nice way to unwind after the day.  Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just sit quietly together.  I look forward to these moments.

We were talking about Girl2, and her feels.  I don’t think I have ever seen a person who just feels things so hard.  Her love is painful; she will go up to you and just squeeze or tap your face (it’s more like a slap, but she doesn’t mean anything mean by it).  She just feels very hard. 

I have realized children lack that filter that we get as adults; that need to not feel so hard.  When we get angry, we don’t really unleash it.  We may try to talk it out, or rationalize it, but we don’t just scream it out or cry as hard as we can.  When we love someone so much it feels like our bodies are going to burst, we don’t run over and slap their cheeks together so hard.  How nice would it be to be able to just truly express how we feel?  We are taught as we grow that everything will always be “okay”, when asked how we are, we are always “fine”.  One of my favorite things about working in an office was really watching this play out – someone greeting you as they walk by and asking how you are, but they just keep going before you can even give the obligatory answer of “fine.”

I don’t know if this is just my part of the world, us Northeasterners are known for our fast paced lives, always going and never really stopping to enjoy the moment.  I remember the first time I really took notice of the walk-by and wondered if they even processed the fact that they asked me a question that required an answer, but didn’t stay to hear it.  What would happen if I was not having an okay day and just said I wasn’t fine.  Would that even register?  Would someone know how to process that?  I don’t think we are able to handle that much real.

I envy Girl2 and her feels; her ability to not just feel, but to just watch it pour out of her.  I am slightly afraid of her, to be honest, when I see her run at me full speed, ready to give me her painful love.  I embrace it though and I know how lucky I am to be able to receive it.  I wish the world was a little bit more like Girl2, and I hope she holds onto it forever.


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2 responses to “Painful Love

  1. I think we all have the drive by thing. It’s kind of sad from one point of view, but to a person in a reclusive mood it’s also kind of a relief.

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