I have been a horrible friend, haven’t I? I invite you in; get you a drink, maybe a snack, and then I don’t stay in touch. I call you and then talk about all depressing things, and then don’t even give you a follow-up! I’m sorry, and I am happy you are back with me. I’ll try not to be so horrible to you in the future!
This weekend was really good. Now, if you asked me yesterday, I would have told you the same thing, but I probably would have thrown in something like, “I am not drinking again for like 48 hours!”. On Saturday, The Boy had a camping weekend with Boy Scouts and it left us girls to our own devices. I had a small gathering because I need to get a level 18 Cleric together for this upcoming weekend (Tricksy DM is taking a break from DM’ing, and no, I didn’t break her) and Tricksy DM will become a party member with characters that they played with before. Current party member will maybe become Sadistic DM (he is already threatening to kill my wolverine – whose name is Frank. Yes, I named the wolverine, but I have no idea what my Cleric’s name is). So, it was Tricksy DM, Sadistic soon-to-be DM, and MM.
Girl1 invited her boyfriend (yeah, she is back to guys now) and it really was the first time I was going to be able to spend any time with him. They had been dating for a little bit and had gone on one date, so I was looking forward to being able to really meet him.
Girl1 tells me a lot. She shows me her notes from him and she texts me whenever a monumental thing happens ( Hug! Peck on the lips!). She still had not gotten her first kiss, and you know which I am talking about. Not the kind that could have come from a family member kiss. I appreciate and am really honored by the fact that she shares so much with me and that we have such a relationship where this is possible. I remember having these moments in my youth, those milestones, and I did not go running to tell my mom. I trust her, and I think that may help.
So, he comes in and there is this whole new Girl1 that I get to see. She is shy, and awkward. She is doing everything in her power to not make eye contact. She has so much nervous energy that she is practically jumping on everyone. She may have actually volunteered to take Girl2 outside, which left me with the bf and still getting things together for everyone else to show up. We made some small talk and I actually found out quite a bit about him and for his age I would say he is well accomplished. I did have to ask him a few times if Girl1 acted like this around him at school (the answer was no). Girl1 finally did manage to come inside and my girl K and I gave them some space and took ourselves outside.
We got to talking, K and I, about love. It wasn’t about what love becomes, or doesn’t become, but rather new love. It’s rather funny, since both in our own rights probably could have had some jaded comments, but we didn’t. Watching Girl1 go through her steps had made us soft, and made us remember.
Love is the one thing that I can think of that can really destroy us, yet, also something we will actively seek out. I explained it as if you throw your hand on a hot stove and burn yourself, you won’t attempt to do it again. You may accidently burn yourself, but it isn’t something that you would buy a new outfit, do your hair differently or anything along those lines.
It’s the anticipation of all the firsts. It’s the way your heart will beat so loudly it seems like everyone around you can hear it. It’s the way you try not to make eye contact, but yet, it will start with a glance and end with a stare. It’s the absolute awareness of the other person while being so unaware of anything else. It’s nerves, and butterflies, so many that you can’t seem to do anything.
It’s that moment where you find yourself thinking about them and you smile. It’s such a sweet smile that can light up an entire face, but it is yours and yours alone. It’s re-reading notes, or texts, or messages, just to have the emotions wash over you.
I remember asking her if she wanted something to eat when I was making his food, because he had to leave before we had planned on eating and she said no. I didn’t push it because really, how can you eat with a million butterflies in your stomach? She walked around after he left with a note he had written her. I see her and I totally understand it all.
See, I have found that you just can’t logic it out. It probably isn’t going to make sense or maybe even be the easiest situation. You may not have been expecting it, or ready for it. It may have developed over time with someone you knew for years, or it may have been as fast as one meeting. It’s in school hallways, work places, grocery stores. Don’t try to think it out. Yes, it may break your heart. You may never get to act on it and it just stays with you inside like a secret. Don’t push it away though; enjoy it as you lay there unable to sleep, full of feels. Embrace it and smile at strangers and dance in random spots. Just love it; love it until you can’t even breathe and it consumes you. Sometimes life can be really scary, and no more than in these moments, but there is no better reason to face your fears.