Why I cry

What started out as a pretty good day besides my falling out of a pool (yes, I have the innate ability to not only fall into pools, but also out of them) has ended rather somberly. After our required presence at M’s mom’s gathering, M pulled me upstairs to discuss our status.  He plans on moving out when Girl2 is out of school, which is less than two weeks away.

I don’t blame him.  Goodness knows, I must not have been the nicest person to him over the last couple of months.  Partly due to my needing to be free, and also because I felt like it was too much all at once.  I needed space to process and there wasn’t any to be found.  

This is the road I chose.  This is the path I asked for.  I don’t think I factored in the hurt that comes with the ending of something that was 8 years.  For 8 years, I have had a partner in everything, who raised two children that were not his.  I had someone who would take care of things for me if I was sick, or who drive me to the hospital whenever I needed my yearly surgery on whatever body part wanted to crap out on me.  At one point we were great friends.  I understand that things changed, I understand I initiated this process, but the thought of now doing it alone terrifies me to no end.  

I think the lack of anger hurts as well.  Just the quiet acceptance, and just raw pain for both is worse.  Anger is such a active emotion, one that can motivate you to do things.  This acceptance and raw pain makes me want to curl in a ball.  A slightly twisted ball since my ovaries kind of hurt right now.

I talked with my girl K, well she sat there while I cried and then would force a sentence out of my mouth.  I couldn’t understand why this was difficult and she told me an ending is an ending.  As strange as this may sound, I am not certain I know how to sleep by myself.  I haven’t for so long, and though the marriage bed has not been used as such for a long time, there is still a security knowing someone is there.  I hope I can learn posthaste, though I have had many issues sleeping under the best of conditions.

I was telling FFAC I don’t deal with change well.  When the 9th Doctor became the 10th Doctor, I was pretty upset.  I ended up loving the 10th Doctor, and Rose, and when she left I didn’t think I would like Martha.  I actually didn’t like Martha.  When the 10th became the 11th, I wasn’t very keen.  I don’t love him as much as 10, but he did grow on me.  I’m just not good with change.  I don’t think this change is one I am meant to be good at though.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

“The Road Not Taken” ~ Robert Frost


1 Comment

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One response to “Why I cry

  1. You cry because you are brave. Brave enough to face what is, even though it hurts and is sad; brave enough to not get lost in a self written myth. Change is hard. Endings are always new beginnings as well and none are easy. Please always remember that you do not have to do any/all of it alone. Just know when it is you want the help, when you need it, and don’t be afraid to also say you want it on your own.

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