It’s time to come clean. I discovered something about myself today as I was sitting in my unhappy funk at work and it wasn’t pleasant. I realized I am a charlatan.
I often post these things, these self discovery moments, and I realized that maybe it appears that I have things together. I have all these deep thoughts and these grandiose plans on how to move forward with my life. I sometimes think I will actually be able to do some of them, and to be fair, I am 100% honest when it comes to my feelings at the times of those posts.
In truth, friends, I am not some deep thinking guru who knows what they are doing. Most of the time I am not sure if I have matching socks, and as my girl K would tell you, my chapter in her book would be titled “Socks Don’t Match”.
The thing is, I want to be put together. I want to have the answers and think the deep thoughts, and know what is going to happen in my life. I want to be in control and at the same time not be in control. Some very wonderful people have told me that reading my blog inspires them, and I think that is very sweet, but maybe it’s time to tell you the truth.
I am a horrible housekeeper. I really need help in this department. I have no organization skills (unless chaos is it’s own form of organization). Again, I want to be good at it. I look in awe at people who can make things sparkle when I can just make more piles. Remember the post about the eraser board on my fridge? It’s still there, and now I think I use it as a magnet board.
I don’t remember when I washed my floor last. Actually, I don’t remember where my mop is. I really should find it. Come to think about it, I don’t have a mop! I have a swiffer! See what I mean?
I do a horrible job at taking care of my gluten free needs. I am the worst poster child for Celiac’s ever, and sometimes I think I traded in one eating disorder for another kind all together.
I’m scared way more often than I let on. I am scared of my future, of the next 12 months or so, adapting to a new way of life.
I take horrible pictures of my friends and post them online. They hate me for this.
I don’t know what to do sometimes. It’s starting to be sometimes more often than not.
I’m kinda sad, no matter how much I try to shove it deep down. I’m more than kinda sad. I do a horrible job shoving it down, but I still try, because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. In reality, I want to just wear my pajama pants all day, not take a shower for a week, roll up in a ball, and eat a lot of ice cream. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it, because Girl 2 would never get ready in the morning if I was in a ball. I just really want to be sad for a while though without trying to hide it. Maybe if I let some out, some happy could come back in but I have this huge issue where I think if I do let that sad out it would make me a weak person.
I’m quite broken, friends.
On a positive, because I do like to end things on a positive note, I am totally going to garden with my girl K. We are going to do kiddie pool gardens and grow lots of things, like vegetables! We are also going to build a herb pallet herb garden because why the heck not! I am super excited about this since I normally cannot grow anything (though I did have one successful green bean patch!). I’ll be sure to keep you posted with pics and everything once we get going. Sustainable farming! I want to do it!
Til next time, darlings.