Charlatan

It’s time to come clean.  I discovered something about myself today as I was sitting in my unhappy funk at work and it wasn’t pleasant.  I realized I am a charlatan. 

I often post these things, these self discovery moments, and I realized that maybe it appears that I have things together.  I have all these deep thoughts and these grandiose plans on how to move forward with my life.  I sometimes think I will actually be able to do some of them, and to be fair, I am 100% honest when it comes to my feelings at the times of those posts. 

In truth, friends, I am not some deep thinking guru who knows what they are doing.  Most of the time I am not sure if I have matching socks, and as my girl K would tell you, my chapter in her book would be titled “Socks Don’t Match”.

The thing is, I want to be put together.  I want to have the answers and think the deep thoughts, and know what is going to happen in my life.  I want to be in control and at the same time not be in control.  Some very wonderful people have told me that reading my blog inspires them, and I think that is very sweet, but maybe it’s time to tell you the truth.

I am a horrible housekeeper.  I really need help in this department.  I have no organization skills (unless chaos is it’s own form of organization).  Again, I want to be good at it.  I look in awe at people who can make things sparkle when I can just make more piles.  Remember the post about the eraser board on my fridge?  It’s still there, and now I think I use it as a magnet board.

I don’t remember when I washed my floor last.  Actually, I don’t remember where my mop is.  I really should find it.  Come to think about it, I don’t have a mop!  I have a swiffer!  See what I mean?

I do a horrible job at taking care of my gluten free needs.  I am the worst poster child for Celiac’s ever, and sometimes I think I traded in one eating disorder for another kind all together.

I’m scared way more often than I let on.  I am scared of my future, of the next 12 months or so, adapting to a new way of life.

I take horrible pictures of my friends and post them online.  They hate me for this.

I don’t know what to do sometimes.  It’s starting to be sometimes more often than not. 

I’m kinda sad, no matter how much I try to shove it deep down.  I’m more than kinda sad.  I do a horrible job shoving it down, but I still try, because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.  In reality, I want to just wear my pajama pants all day, not take a shower for a week, roll up in a ball, and eat a lot of ice cream.  I can’t do it, and I won’t do it, because Girl 2 would never get ready in the morning if I was in a ball.  I just really want to be sad for a while though without trying to hide it.  Maybe if I let some out, some happy could come back in but I have this huge issue where I think if I do let that sad out it would make me a weak person. 

I’m quite broken, friends.

On a positive, because I do like to end things on a positive note, I am totally going to garden with my girl K.  We are going to do kiddie pool gardens and grow lots of things, like vegetables!  We are also going to build a herb pallet herb garden because why the heck not!  I am super excited about this since I normally cannot grow anything (though I did have one successful green bean patch!).  I’ll be sure to keep you posted with pics and everything once we get going.  Sustainable farming!  I want to do it!

Til next time, darlings. 

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Charlatan

  1. I posted about the either/or fallacy a while back. It seems to me, you’re having one of those moments. Why can’t you have deep thoughts and a messy floor? All of us creative genius types do. *strikes thoughtful pose*

    You have plenty of reason for sorrow. And don’t think that you have to hide it from your kids. They’re probably hurting and sad too, and working through it with them might be a good way for all of you to heal up a bit. Just think about how to approach it, and show them love.

    And you can have some ice cream. I said so, and since I’m the GM this week, it’s ok.

    • I’ve read this a few times trying to find some words that would be as awesome as yours were. I can’t find them so instead I will go with a simple thank you.

      • See now, what you should have done was pull your glasses down to your nose, place your index finger on your chin thoughtfully, and said simply, “Indeed.”

        Damn I’m good.

        And you’re welcome. Now, go enjoy some gluten free ice cream.

        (I’m GF too by the way. Not Celiac. Just an allergy that causes lovely inflammation of the digestive tract, but I still feel your pain in that department.

  2. I should turn to you for some gluten free tips. I really am quite bad, and have been tackled while trying to shove pretzels in my mouth.

    • I’ve found that it’s mostly finding ways to bring convenience back into my life. I bought a bread machine and experimented with some bread recipes. I shop at a store that is pretty gluten-free friendly (HEB, if you’re in TX). I found a GF cereal that I like. Chocolate Chex, though most of the Chex flavors are GF, and they’ll have a big banner to make it easily identifiable. I avoid modified food starch, wheat, oats, and rye. And one other that escapes me at the moment because it’s 8:30 a.m. and nobody should have to think prior to noon. A probiotic helps for whenever I make a mistake.

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