You Fancy my Chair?

Bonjour, mon amie!  I see you eyeing my fancy blue velvet chair!  It’s nice, no?  Oh, you see the Cleric behind me with the wings.  Yes, they are quite grand, I helped put them on for him.  Glam really is playing a nice song; I believe she is writing our adventures so we will be forever known for our valiant deeds.  Why does that man have a skinned cat head on his loin cloth?  Oh, that’s Conan, and he thought it would make for good decoration.  Not everyone can be as fashionable as moi.  The woman standing next time him?  Ah, the shiny scales she wears?  Those belonged to a half lizard half dragon necromancer who thought she could put an end to us.  Ha, silly lady, your skin is now shielding your last foe.  I would love to tell you our tale, but you must come close and whisper in my ear; make me want to tell you.  Oh, very nice, your words sent shivers down all of my body.  Go get me a drink, warm like your voice, and I will tell you my tales.  Just don’t step on my petite amie, Ernie.  He is such a sweet thing.

So, as you may remember, we were still trapped in this keep of obsidian.  We had met some fire dwarves who helped us win the battle with the necromancer.  I don’t think we truly needed their help, but sometimes people want to feel like they participated.  Valarya decided to skin the necromancer since she liked her skin, and while not quite my thing, I could appreciate someone going the extra mile for something they find attractive.  Oh, sweet listener, I can see in your eyes that you have appreciation for beauty as well.  You are very sweet, indeed.

We left the room and rested for a bit before venturing forward.  As we progressed deeper into the keep I couldn’t help but notice that the smell was becoming more and more rancid.  There were places where the smell of chlorine, so someone was trying to clean up, bless their souls.  As we were about to open a door we heard a greeting from behind us.  I turned, but couldn’t see anyone there.  Clearly I was not looking in the right place, as our mystery greeter was not at eye level.  Before us stood a 3 and a half foot halfling.  He told us he had escaped the clutches of the necromancer and followed our voices for sometime.  He didn’t plan on going anywhere, so we offered him a spot with us.  Luckily for us, we did, because what he may lack in height he makes up for it with bravado.

Onward we went forward, searching rooms, finding stench.  It was getting harder for me to ignore it as we pressed on.  We opened a door and heat and the smell of death hit us all right in the face.  There were 6 cats, stalking the room, ashes coming up from where they stepped.  Our fighter went in and killed one in one shot.  As soon as it fell, the other 5 descended on it, pulling back their skin from their faces and screaming an unholy scream.  They began to eat the dead cat, disgusting sounds coming from their feast.  When I turned around most of my group was running down the hall except for our fighter.  You see, I decided to shut the door forgetting that she was in there.  She managed to open the door back up before running with everyone else, and soon it was just Ralph (pronounced Rafe) and myself.  

Now that would make most people run as well, but not Ralph and I.  We are not ordinary people. I am quite flexible, he is quite magical.  We managed to fell all 5 of them with my sneaky abilities and his magical hands.  We waited for the group to come back, going through the room, taking stock to see if there is anything I could take for my own.  Finding nothing but a shiny axe that no one can use (but I can sell!), we ventured down a long hallway.

At the end there was a short door and feeling very adventurous, I decided to open it.  I looked in and saw two more cats like the ones I had just beat, and a funny looking dog, possibly with three eyes.  I closed the door quickly since I was not going to be entering the room first.  While we were talking we heard a booming voice, “Who goes there?  Have you come to pay tribute to your King?”

I cannot lie, I wasn’t quite sure who could have been making that proclamation.  I had not seen anything that could speak, but before we could really say anything Ernesto Tallfellow stepped out from us, opening the door, and yelling, “Why, yes!  We have heard of your name and it strikes fear in the hearts of your enemies!”  He called to his “valets” (I was not pleased, but Glam told me to shut up in the most pleasant of ways) to come forward to pay our respects.  One by one we entered the room and saw the cats, the dog (which had a platinum mask on his head with a jewel for the third eye), and a winged half fiend with horns sitting upon the most beautiful chair I have ever seen.  It was made of blue velvet and my goal now became to get this chair.  Ernie and the “King” bantered on and the “King” hired us to find a way out.  We quickly left and went back to the dwarves to plan our next steps.

The King trusted us, so we knew we could get back in the room.  We decided he told us as much as he knew, which was to go across the bridge to find the mage.  If we disposed of him, we could then get him off of my chair.  We decided this was the best course of action, so after resting we went back to the room.  Ernesto told us all to look happy, to throw him off while we got in position.  The King had no idea what was about to happen and one by one his minions fell.  Yes, Glam, I know you killed two out of the four!  Soon, he fell as well, sadly dying in the chair.  My godless cleric and I dragged him off so he could have the wings (I promised to sew them on with them, I am quite good with a needle), and I finally had my chair.  Yes, this very chair that you see right now.  And yes, the winged man is my handsome godless cleric, sporting the most fashionable of kingswear.  

How did I get the chair back here and what happened when we finally reached the mage?  Oh, my sweet, I think I have spoken enough for one evening.  Look at the sky, it is turning dark and the darkness is my favorite time of day.  Some people think that the darkness is dangerous but I see it as full of promise.  Promises are made, hearts are broken, lives are ended and some lives are just being formed all in the same space of time.  Darkness is magical, and I must go find my own magic before the sun takes it away and shows the truth of the world.


Oh, the adult group!  It was a good day to have it as I was kind of in a funk and feeling a little anti-social.  The group made me feel better, Grace made me feel better, and it was nice to be a little chaotic after this week.  

Darkness can be magical though, no?



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4 responses to “You Fancy my Chair?

  1. That intro graf may have had me shooting apple juice out my nose. MAY have.

  2. Len

    Darkness can be the most powerful type of magic!

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