I would like to think that all my words and talks can be inspiring, or funny. Truth is, I think I am way funnier than I probably am. The same may be said about being an inspiration. Regardless, I think I will keep my rather high opinion of myself and soldier on.
Some conversations are harder to have than others. I would love to talk about what great things I am reading (currently Anna Karenina), what great crafts I am doing (still crocheting my blanket!), what tasty things I am baking (nothing, actually), my progress in video games (first Horde character!), or how I am cleaning all the things (that’s only sometimes). Some days I have to put it all away and just be real. Today was a real day with some really hard conversations.
Girl 1 is having some difficulties in school with her peers. She has always been cut from a different cloth (which I adore), but coming out to the world has added one more block on the quilt of difference. I got a call from my madre who informed me that she had called the school on Girl 1’s behalf. Girl 1 had texted my sister about what was going on and some of it frightened me. Bullying is serious business folks, and the things it can do to young minds is heart breaking. I don’t want this to happen. I called the school and this will be an ongoing partnership. I don’t think Girl 1 is pleased with all this involvement, but I just can’t sit by.
You see, it’s hard as a parent to drop your child off each day, knowing that the day will be hard, knowing that things may happen, and you can’t be there to protect them. Kids have always been cruel, and I never see that changing, but you still want to feel that your child will not have to go through their school day being taunted. You want your child to be in a safe environment, not just physically, but emotionally as well. Girl 1 is a strong girl, I know this, but sometimes it’s hard to be strong, and even the strongest have their weak spots. I called M’s mom to just give her the heads up, you know, in case the school was going to dismiss her. Her response shouldn’t have shocked me, but it did. She told me she knew this would happen since she posted it on FB, her being a lesbian, and she shouldn’t have told people.
Ummmm, no. Not in my house, not for my children. If she is comfortable to come out, then have at it, sister. I will not instruct my children to hide who they are, to be ashamed, to pretend. I am proud of who each of my children are. I will not make excuses for other children, or non-children, who feel it is ok to harass someone that they feel is different. We all have a right to be who we are. I came home and went up to her room. We cuddled, watched some Paula Deen, and talked. I have decided I will do that more often, just go up and cuddle and watch some Food Network. I’ll stand by her, mostly quiet, and if her strength gives out for a moment, even if it’s just for a moment, I’ll be there to pick her up. She has got a lot of people who love her and wouldn’t let her walk alone even if she tried to get rid of us.
That was actually hard conversation number 2. Hard conversation came much earlier in the day. Truth be told, M and I just aren’t the same any more. Something happened along the way, I don’t know what it was or when it was. My guess is it was a long time ago, but both of us enjoyed that quiet safety net of routine. Complacency makes for a great bedfellow. We’ve always been great friends, but lately, even that seems to have disappeared. Today we discussed how we aren’t happy. We have had this conversation quite a few times in the last year and change, saying words that are expected to be said. “We’ll work on it.” “We’ll fix it.” “It will get better.” Words are great, Complacency took the actions and threw them out the window. Today those words weren’t spoken. Today it was, “I don’t know how to fix it.” “We haven’t really worked on it.” and “It isn’t getting better.” The unspoken question became “Who will say it first?” We talked about the differences of love and being in love. We agreed to get through the holidays before we talk about it again. It’s hard, friend. It’s a hard conversation to have with some hard truths. I have put up an impenetrable wall, it’s true. I can’t begin to know how to take it down any more. He is content with half things. Half paying attention, half helping with the household, half conversations. We’ve always been such good friends and I don’t even know where that has gone.
I don’t usually get this personal here, but this is part of my life. It’s also happening all over the place, to lots of people. My hope is that by putting myself out there, telling my tales, people can relate and we don’t have to feel so isolated and alone. We aren’t alone. Girl 1 isn’t alone, I’m not alone, and if you are reading this then you aren’t alone either. My only request is if you read this and you work with us, don’t bring it to the work table. Work is work and I stand by that.
No matter what happens, I know that I have so many things to be happy about in my life. I was offered the position I didn’t get initially, and that starts next week. I have a wonderful group of friends. I have successfully created a lot of Christmas time memories for my children, and we aren’t done yet! There is still more holiday crafting to come! I will face each day and we will have some serious decisions to make, but I am still optimistic.
Thanks for hearing me out today. I think I needed to get this out because it has been eating at my soul for a long time. I know a little bit ago, I had read a post about a similar situation and I thought, “What a brave woman, putting that out there!” and how it made me feel better somehow, knowing that out there, someone was feeling my feels. If I can do that for someone, make them feel like they are ok, they will be ok, then I feel I have paid it forward. Some conversations are hard, some things in life are hard, but we don’t need to hide or sweep it under the rug. We should embrace it and soldier on. I am doing that now, embracing, understanding, and finally putting myself in a position to just do something other than talk.
I promise my next post will be more uplifting. I will have cookies that I can’t eat, and warm drinks of choice (I even have some good ole Irish Cream is you need a pick me up in your coffee!). We’ll make something together, a craft, a conversation or a memory. For now, I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite books – Les Miserables (and no, this is not a plug for the movie, which I will be seeing).
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~ Victor Hugo