Hello, friend! I planned on writing something out this morning, but it’s tough to get it out at work, and last night was a bit crazy with all the new routine going on in the household. Feel free to grab some coffee, though it is late and if you want something else that’s okay. I may also be running around a bit crazy, new routines and such, but I promise that if you can hold out we’ll have a nice conversation when this is said and done.
I am going to apologize, this may ramble a bit, but I’m gonna go with it. I planned on writing a baking post (oh hai, baking!) but I can’t force myself to write about something and have it be heartfelt. Pancake muffins may just have to wait until I really want to write about them.
I stumbled across another blog two days ago that has touched me. Like profoundly. I went to momastery.com and just started reading and was amazed by what was written, and the community that was built. I wish I can do it more justice, but I think it’s something you need to discover for yourself. While reading, she uses a word that I feel like was made for me. It’s brutiful. Brutiful is a mix of brutal and beautiful, because as she explains, that is what life is. She also says many times that we can do hard things. She has proven on her blog and stories that yes, we can do hard things. They are done everyday. It got me thinking a bit, and as anyone who knows me will tell you, that is dangerous.
I am going to drop a bombshell, right now. Life is hard. I think this is the same for everyone, everywhere. I know there are times I feel like I am going to scream when I am tired, get home from work, and I have three children screaming for attention. Life is brutal. I will often try to occupy with them something and hide outside, under a table, thinking I outsmarted them. I have yet to outsmart them. I want to be that mom you see on TV, or read about. You know, the perfect mom who always has the meals ready, has time to listen to whatever social issue may be going on, smiles each morning as they wake up the eager children to get off to school – but not before she has all the lunches packed, maybe with a hidden note for the kid to find at lunch. Instead I drink too much coffee, throw things together quickly, congratulate myself if all the kids have matching socks and shoes and can get them out of the house on time. My idea of my hair being done is throwing it back in some sort of bun/ponytail and using whatever I can find to spray on it to make sure it isn’t sticking out. Just a tip for you – spray deodorant doesn’t work (it was next to my spray gel) and it really doesn’t have the effect the commercials says it does. You can thank me later.
Yes, this was breakfast one morning. Don’t judge me.
Here is the thing that shocks me almost every day though. Life. Is. Beautiful. Sitting out alone after dinner, writing, watching my candle flicker as the weather starts to change is beautiful. A good book on a rainy day, curled up on a couch is beautiful. Warm bread coming out of the oven, the smells that fill the kitchen and watching the family eat is beautiful to me. Every time I find myself on that brink of crazy, of that claustrophobia, I find something that is beautiful at that moment. Waking up before the house and having those quiet moments is beautiful. Yin and yang; with the brutal comes the beautiful.
Moments when they all play nice can be quite beautiful. It’s like Halley’s Comet; it only happens once every 75-76 years.
I don’t know if God exists. I’ll be honest, and even say that is hard to type. I am pretty logical, and I just find it hard to think that one supernatural being made the entire universe and the entire world, including creatures, in 6 days, cause you know, he needed a day to rest. I need a rest after making dinner (which to add insult, I usually forget the vegetables and I like vegetables!) so I just don’t know how it’s possible. Do I want to believe? No doubt! I mean, it’s comforting to think that there is something beyond this, something to continually work for, but I just don’t know. I do, however, think there is something, whether it be God, Allah, Buddah, the Fate Sisters, that is helping us along. There have just been too many things that have happened in my life that logic has failed me on. Doors close, others open. You think you may have lost your way from something important only to find yourself right back when you need it the most. Some things are scary. Really scary. But, to steal the phrase from Momastery, we can do hard things.
This is on my desk at work. I love this chick! I am going to bet she wouldn’t care at all what was in her hair, or if something was sticking out. Go Rosie!
I am the happiest and also the saddest I can recall being in my life. I have also never been more excited for those unknown chapters that haven’t been written yet. I am learning a lot about myself along the way, and learning not to be so afraid, and that is a very good thing. I love the people in my life, and I am learning to spread that love a little bit more. I may still end up with deodorant in my hair as spray gel, and I will always forget one thing (but hopefully not one child) as I make my way out the door. I will pin things on Pinterest while I pretend to be a crafty person (trust me, I’m not) but in my mind, I am. I will push myself to places I never thought I would reach, to doors I thought closed. Usually I proofread my posts, but tonight I’m not. I want to get as real as I can get with an internet blog, so no cleaning the post up and no thinking to myself that I don’t really want to post this. This whole thing is a journey and I’d like you to come along for the ride, to help me along the way. I promise to do the same for you, because that’s what friends do. Life is brutiful, friends. Find something beautiful tonight. It can be as complex or as simple as you want it to be. It could be something no one else would think is beautiful, but to you and you alone, it is. It isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it.
This was my craft. I have no idea what it is, but I used some glitter glue. That makes it beautiful, right?